For the past two years we have had one to many talks about how drugs (especially the tweek of the toke- Mary Jane herself) are not good for one's body and etc... This discussion has been brought on by the oldest telling his mother that he does indeed, like smoking pot. And he has no intention of quiting b/c it makes him feel good. Let me tell you that this doesn't sound good coming from a kid who probably has addiction running through his veins waiting to emerge as a " mere symptom of something greater" The boy is cursed with it on both sides of the family.
The first couple of times when we found out he had been smoking, he hadn't got caught. No one had seen him smoking. He hadn't laid out of school. No call from the police. No freakin accident. Nope. Just the ole fashion "Have you smoked pot?" asked from his mother. And that worked. He told her the few times he smoked. He said he didn't want to lie to her. And he asked her not to tell us that he had been smoking pot. (and can you believe she didn't for a while) But me- I saw something totally different. I saw him reaching out to her... craving her attention....out right asking for her to pay him some attention.
He continued to tell everyone that he wasn't going to stop smoking. This was a huge concern. We caught him stoned, a few times and he was punished. Usually with a grounding of some sort. But we always stuck the punishment out- which is why I think he hated it over our house was that we held him accountable. We followed through with what we said we would do. His mother doesn't. She means well but she would always let him out of his punishments. We didn't and wouldn't let him go away for days at a time with his friends (like over his mom's). This makes it so hard when you live at two places and their rules and ways of living are completely different.
Just a little example-
A couple of months ago she let him go on to a three-day festival with his friends- and some of his "older nineteen year old friends were caperoning." (HA) Now remember, this kid is sixteen and acts like he's fourteen. He is between his sophmore and junior year of high school. He has no job, no driver's license (too lazy and no ambition) and has told you he likes doing drugs.
If it was on our watch- NO WAY IN HELL WOULD HE BE GOING TO THIS FESTIVAL!
Fast forward a year later and since then it has gotten worse. (Are you suprised? Me either)
Early in the morning about six weeks ago we got a call from the hospital telling us that his friends brought him in. They said he was having a "bad trip" off of some LSD. We went to the hospital. And spent the next seven hours there. His mom finally showed-up and stayed for a couple of hours and then left to go home.
We came home and had a long talk. We told him if he came home stoned he was going to treatment. If he brought pot into our home, he was going to treatment. If he smelled like pot when he came home, he was going to treatment. Anything to do with drugs it was off to treatment. No negociations. No discussions. It was a one way ticket.
(Yes it is setting him up for failure. But he is not connecting the dots. He doesn't get how big this is.)
More later....
July 23, 2008
July 09, 2008
I have had no words..... and time, did I mention that? haven't had that either.
If someone would have told me at the end of May that it would be almost six weeks before my next post...... I would have said that they were crazy. But so as it is that is exactly what happened.
Here we are six weeks later, and I will try my best to tell-tell about the changes. Beware they are both good and bad. Got a lot of emotions flying every which way over here, we can barely tell which way is up or down. Humaness at it's finest. Mistakes going left and right.....AND the "I don't knows" well, let me tell ya they are extremely popular.
Ah to be in the blended family, such bliss.
But I have to say it's my family and I'd do anything for the lot of them.
Here we are six weeks later, and I will try my best to tell-tell about the changes. Beware they are both good and bad. Got a lot of emotions flying every which way over here, we can barely tell which way is up or down. Humaness at it's finest. Mistakes going left and right.....AND the "I don't knows" well, let me tell ya they are extremely popular.
Ah to be in the blended family, such bliss.
But I have to say it's my family and I'd do anything for the lot of them.
May 29, 2008
The small things that make this gig so worth while.
After spending the whole day with the kids yesterday (along with Sunday, Monday and Tuesday) , I thought I was going to have to leave my home just for a little sanity time, last night. I was thinking I would either go to my in-laws or to a movie by me-self but only as soon as the hubby got home.
Well it didn't happen. Instead my husband comes home not feeling so good physically and then on top of it....... he "got into it"with the man-child, teenager, boy.
"got/get into it" refers to any confrontation between two or more people. Where everyone wants to avoid hurting others but has hurt feelings of their own from a particular person whom they are in a disagreement. AND do they ever want to hurt you in that ongoing disagreement.
So my husband went to bed at about 7:00pm last night. (Did I mention that I am also PMS-ing?) I thought I would die. I couldn't do anymore kid time, without help. My irritability was rising and I just really needed to have some me time. I needed to get away and there was no place to go- Don't get me wrong cause the kids are great! But I really needed this break.
SO the youngest was on the couch watching a little TV. The second youngest was in her room. And my husband was off to la-la land. Me... I thought to meself "ok. you can do this. Everyone is busy, so you can sneak down stairs and rent an R-rated movie" So I made some popcorn to ensure everyone's position. Needless to say it back-fired. It did the exact opposite of what I was wanting..................
The kids wanted to come with me downstairs. ?
What? Why? Didn't she like being in her room? On the computer? Didn't he like having the couch all to himself with out being disturbed? The remote and all?
NOPE... Guess not.
I could tell they wanted to watch a movie with me and be down there with me. (and me in complete amazement, thinking to myself but we have been together for the past four days?
Don't - cha want a little down time from ye ole' step-mom) We went downstairs and rented Meet the Robinson's (not what I had in mind for a movie) We had ourselves a little popcorn fight and then watched the movie and snuggled together. It was sweet. I then thought to myself, it really doesn't get better than this. I am privileged to have front row seats to their lives. They are spectacular people. I continue to learn from them and they continue to teach me different things. I love them very much. And although they don't say "I love you" to me, very often. I totally felt their love last night. These are the things that makes this gig worth while.
Well it didn't happen. Instead my husband comes home not feeling so good physically and then on top of it....... he "got into it"with the man-child, teenager, boy.
"got/get into it" refers to any confrontation between two or more people. Where everyone wants to avoid hurting others but has hurt feelings of their own from a particular person whom they are in a disagreement. AND do they ever want to hurt you in that ongoing disagreement.
So my husband went to bed at about 7:00pm last night. (Did I mention that I am also PMS-ing?) I thought I would die. I couldn't do anymore kid time, without help. My irritability was rising and I just really needed to have some me time. I needed to get away and there was no place to go- Don't get me wrong cause the kids are great! But I really needed this break.
SO the youngest was on the couch watching a little TV. The second youngest was in her room. And my husband was off to la-la land. Me... I thought to meself "ok. you can do this. Everyone is busy, so you can sneak down stairs and rent an R-rated movie" So I made some popcorn to ensure everyone's position. Needless to say it back-fired. It did the exact opposite of what I was wanting..................
The kids wanted to come with me downstairs. ?
What? Why? Didn't she like being in her room? On the computer? Didn't he like having the couch all to himself with out being disturbed? The remote and all?
NOPE... Guess not.
I could tell they wanted to watch a movie with me and be down there with me. (and me in complete amazement, thinking to myself but we have been together for the past four days?
Don't - cha want a little down time from ye ole' step-mom) We went downstairs and rented Meet the Robinson's (not what I had in mind for a movie) We had ourselves a little popcorn fight and then watched the movie and snuggled together. It was sweet. I then thought to myself, it really doesn't get better than this. I am privileged to have front row seats to their lives. They are spectacular people. I continue to learn from them and they continue to teach me different things. I love them very much. And although they don't say "I love you" to me, very often. I totally felt their love last night. These are the things that makes this gig worth while.
May 19, 2008
Change
I feel the need for a little change on the layout here. Let me know your thoughts. Your likes and dislikes- I may keep changing it for a while, but we'll just see what we come up with.
It's over- but I stilll feel the need to vent.
It didn't happen how I thought it would. (surprise, surprise) The oldest kept on asking my Husband if he could "go here" or "go there". And my H answered and told him he has to talk to me about the email. The oldest a little shocked that I had read it. He says that the email was meant for his dad to read but not for me. He says to me that he is sorry....and he didn't mean it. He said he was mad at his dad when he wrote it and it was nothing more.
My response... "You didn't mean it?" I then walk a couple of steps over to my purse where I have a copy of the email. I retrieve it from the purse, and start reading...... (i am always prepared)
I have thought about it for the past two weeks or so and I don't feel like it's healthy for me to stay at your house anymore. The main reason for this being AnotherMama's influence on you and the family and her role as a parent. I can't handle being told what to do by someone outside of my family, it just really bothers me. You have also changed a great deal in almost every way since AnotherMama moved into our house and have basically told me to just deal with it. I also can't have a conversation with you anymore without AnotherMama butting in and stating her opinion. For the longest time now, I have been trying to fight this and try to convince you of different things but I have realized now that this is pointless. I can't change you just as you can't change me. AnotherMama is your wife and you love her, and nobody is going to convince you that she is anything but perfect, and that's fine. I just don't really want to live with her anymore.
"Now these seem like pretty strong words, for you just to not mean them"- "I too get what you are saying and how it feels.....Hell, I even told my stepmother I hated her (to her face) and that I could not live with her anymore. Point is that everything you are saying is not true. (he could not give me any examples of me doing the things he accuses me of) If anything I encourage you and your dad to spend alone time together. I encourage you to come here as often as you like. I encourage you as a person. However, I don't encourage disrespectful behavior. And I don't encourage manipulation. Those two things I will call you out on! Let's take now as an example....
And then I went on to tell him how I thought he was trying to manipulate his parents- against one another especially his mother and I, and that I didn't appreciate it one bit.
And then we did talk about the fact that Yes it does seem that his father has changed since marrying me. He cleans more, he expects more, he asks them to do more, he enforces the rules more..........We talked about how all factors could possibly change this. On of the main reasons we spoke of, is that his father always wanted to be a father to him, and after the divorce, he felt guilty that he didn't push as hard for a while. But now that he has someone on his team (a partner if you will) He feels stronger and able to be more firm. It's not perfect. We're not perfect. He is not perfect. But he loves you very much and tries to do his best everyday for you. Believe me, if I had that much control over him, to where I could get him to do what I wanted...You and I would have had this conversation three years ago.
I didn't address everything I wanted, but its a start. He was sorry, and he knew I was upset. I really don't think he meant all of it but damn, those words hurt.
My response... "You didn't mean it?" I then walk a couple of steps over to my purse where I have a copy of the email. I retrieve it from the purse, and start reading...... (i am always prepared)
I have thought about it for the past two weeks or so and I don't feel like it's healthy for me to stay at your house anymore. The main reason for this being AnotherMama's influence on you and the family and her role as a parent. I can't handle being told what to do by someone outside of my family, it just really bothers me. You have also changed a great deal in almost every way since AnotherMama moved into our house and have basically told me to just deal with it. I also can't have a conversation with you anymore without AnotherMama butting in and stating her opinion. For the longest time now, I have been trying to fight this and try to convince you of different things but I have realized now that this is pointless. I can't change you just as you can't change me. AnotherMama is your wife and you love her, and nobody is going to convince you that she is anything but perfect, and that's fine. I just don't really want to live with her anymore.
"Now these seem like pretty strong words, for you just to not mean them"- "I too get what you are saying and how it feels.....Hell, I even told my stepmother I hated her (to her face) and that I could not live with her anymore. Point is that everything you are saying is not true. (he could not give me any examples of me doing the things he accuses me of) If anything I encourage you and your dad to spend alone time together. I encourage you to come here as often as you like. I encourage you as a person. However, I don't encourage disrespectful behavior. And I don't encourage manipulation. Those two things I will call you out on! Let's take now as an example....
And then I went on to tell him how I thought he was trying to manipulate his parents- against one another especially his mother and I, and that I didn't appreciate it one bit.
And then we did talk about the fact that Yes it does seem that his father has changed since marrying me. He cleans more, he expects more, he asks them to do more, he enforces the rules more..........We talked about how all factors could possibly change this. On of the main reasons we spoke of, is that his father always wanted to be a father to him, and after the divorce, he felt guilty that he didn't push as hard for a while. But now that he has someone on his team (a partner if you will) He feels stronger and able to be more firm. It's not perfect. We're not perfect. He is not perfect. But he loves you very much and tries to do his best everyday for you. Believe me, if I had that much control over him, to where I could get him to do what I wanted...You and I would have had this conversation three years ago.
I didn't address everything I wanted, but its a start. He was sorry, and he knew I was upset. I really don't think he meant all of it but damn, those words hurt.
May 14, 2008
Nothing yet.
And I must say...... I am pissed.
Step-son has been at our home for four days now and not one comment from his dad, or from him about the email. They have talked some here and there I'm not even sure what about??? But I have left them alone to talk amongst themselves and you know what is different??? Nothing!!! Is what's different! I always let them have their time to talk and do their own thing without interference from moi.
But again I say, -Damn it!!!!! This Fucking pisses me off to no end!!!!!
Is everyone going to act as if this email doesn't need to be addressed? Well I can tell you if anyone else was having their character actively assassinated, they would want to speak up against the injustice being brought to themselves. Right, wouldn't most people?
Anyway I am trying not to take it too personal. But there is just a little enlightenment that needs to be shed upon this young man, If he truly believes what he has written.
And yes, he does write very "adult like". He is highly intelligent but he does get to hear his mama talk about her opinions - and that is where we think he transcribes most of this "parenting- role" differences. (almost verbatim)
And I must say...... I am pissed.
Step-son has been at our home for four days now and not one comment from his dad, or from him about the email. They have talked some here and there I'm not even sure what about??? But I have left them alone to talk amongst themselves and you know what is different??? Nothing!!! Is what's different! I always let them have their time to talk and do their own thing without interference from moi.
But again I say, -Damn it!!!!! This Fucking pisses me off to no end!!!!!
Is everyone going to act as if this email doesn't need to be addressed? Well I can tell you if anyone else was having their character actively assassinated, they would want to speak up against the injustice being brought to themselves. Right, wouldn't most people?
Anyway I am trying not to take it too personal. But there is just a little enlightenment that needs to be shed upon this young man, If he truly believes what he has written.
And yes, he does write very "adult like". He is highly intelligent but he does get to hear his mama talk about her opinions - and that is where we think he transcribes most of this "parenting- role" differences. (almost verbatim)
April 29, 2008
The email.........
Dear Dad,
I have been trying to talk to you about this situation for quite a while now but it seems like we are not really being receptive of one another, so I have decided to write you an email. I hope you will read and consider what I wrote before you respond.
The first thing I would like to emphasize to you is that this whole issue is not about me trying to go stay with mom because she is "not as strict as you". I think that you truely believe that this is the only reason I have decided to stay with mom and no matter what I say or do, you will probably continue to believe this. I didn't disobey you and stay at mom's last weekend and this week because you wouldn't let me do anything on Friday last week, that was just the point where I decided I've had it with the way I'm treated when I am in your care. I understand that this wasn't the proper way to handle this situation and I also apologize for being rude to you that day.
I have thought about it for the past two weeks or so and I don't feel like it's healthy for me to stay at your house anymore. The main reason for this being AnotherMama's influence on you and the family and her role as a parent. I can't handle being told what to do by someone outside of my family, it just really bothers me. You have also changed a great deal in almost every way since AnotherMama moved into our house and have basically told me to just deal with it. I also can't have a conversation with you anymore without AnotherMama butting in and stating her opinion. For the longest time now, I have been trying to fight this and try to convince you of different things but I have realized now that this is pointless. I can't change you just as you can't change me. AnotherMama is your wife and you love her, and nobody is going to convince you that she is anything but perfect, and that's fine. I just don't really want to live with her anymore.
Another issue is this constant power struggle between me and you. You are ALWAYS trying to assert your role as the parent and my role as the child. The truth is that I'm not a child anymore and I'm tired of being treated as one. You have proved to me over and over that you actually care more about being in charge or right than you care about me or my wellbeing. Some examples of this are your constant hanging-up on me when I am trying to have a calm conversation with you and you get angry, especially last Friday night when you hung up on me, blocked my calls and never ONCE tried to call anyone and see if I was OK.
I also want you to know that I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I am not trying to say that you haven't been incredibly generous and nice to me in the past and even in the last few months. But honestly, you are just really hard to get along with. I wish I could get along with you, but every interaction we have just makes me sad that we can't have a good relationship like we once did, before AnotherMama came into the picture. I am not saying I never want to come back to your house, all I am saying is that I want to rethink my schedule and my life altogether and just stay with mom for a while. You may not believe me but I doubt that you can legally force me to live with you. If you don't remember I wanted to stay with you more and used to always come stay with you on nights when I was with mom just to get a little extra time with you. I used to love going to your house because I used to really enjoy your company and we had a lot of fun together doing all kinds of things. Now, our household is really different than it used to be and I can't adjust to it.
So really dad, I wish you would just chill. There is no reason for you to freak out about me not coming to your house this week. Is it really causing you that many problems? The other week you told me I caused you a lot of stress so I would think a break would be good for you as well. I also wish you would leave my mom alone. You know that she has no control over this situation. You are making her really stressed out and sad about this situation and there's really no need for you to bring her into it. She has done nothing but encourage me to talk to you and/or go back to your house. I would like it if we could get together with you, without AnotherMama sometime so we could talk. If you would want to do that sometime then let me know.
I love you and I hope you will read this and tell me what you think.
love
your son
This is sad. Really sad. Because I really feel like he believes everything he is writing down. For one, I encourage my H and he to talk alone (all of the freakin time!!) The only time I enter the picture is if he (or anyone else) is being incredible disrespectful to anyone in our family and I call them on it. This is simply not allowed in our home.
Also- this kid calls my H and if he doesn't like what he hears (like a "no" for instance) then this kid goes irate! He hangs up on my H (again getting this trait from his mom, hence the reason we don't like to talk w/ her on the phone) and calls back and keeps on calling back no matter if my H is in a meeting or whatever, its about him and him alone.........And for him to suggest that my H does this is just absurd!!!!
And honestly, If I am part of the "problem" why then am I not to be part of the solution.???
You know why???? I'll tell you why.....because if he was to sit down with me, he knows that he can't say any of this to my face b/c it is untrue. The whole lot of it......
This kid wants to sit down and deal with this issue with his mom and dad and them alone???? How is this to help anything? They can not even get along....They don't see eye to eye on anything. He wants to be treated like an adult but yet he wants his mommy.......????
Damn it!
I have been trying to talk to you about this situation for quite a while now but it seems like we are not really being receptive of one another, so I have decided to write you an email. I hope you will read and consider what I wrote before you respond.
The first thing I would like to emphasize to you is that this whole issue is not about me trying to go stay with mom because she is "not as strict as you". I think that you truely believe that this is the only reason I have decided to stay with mom and no matter what I say or do, you will probably continue to believe this. I didn't disobey you and stay at mom's last weekend and this week because you wouldn't let me do anything on Friday last week, that was just the point where I decided I've had it with the way I'm treated when I am in your care. I understand that this wasn't the proper way to handle this situation and I also apologize for being rude to you that day.
I have thought about it for the past two weeks or so and I don't feel like it's healthy for me to stay at your house anymore. The main reason for this being AnotherMama's influence on you and the family and her role as a parent. I can't handle being told what to do by someone outside of my family, it just really bothers me. You have also changed a great deal in almost every way since AnotherMama moved into our house and have basically told me to just deal with it. I also can't have a conversation with you anymore without AnotherMama butting in and stating her opinion. For the longest time now, I have been trying to fight this and try to convince you of different things but I have realized now that this is pointless. I can't change you just as you can't change me. AnotherMama is your wife and you love her, and nobody is going to convince you that she is anything but perfect, and that's fine. I just don't really want to live with her anymore.
Another issue is this constant power struggle between me and you. You are ALWAYS trying to assert your role as the parent and my role as the child. The truth is that I'm not a child anymore and I'm tired of being treated as one. You have proved to me over and over that you actually care more about being in charge or right than you care about me or my wellbeing. Some examples of this are your constant hanging-up on me when I am trying to have a calm conversation with you and you get angry, especially last Friday night when you hung up on me, blocked my calls and never ONCE tried to call anyone and see if I was OK.
I also want you to know that I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I am not trying to say that you haven't been incredibly generous and nice to me in the past and even in the last few months. But honestly, you are just really hard to get along with. I wish I could get along with you, but every interaction we have just makes me sad that we can't have a good relationship like we once did, before AnotherMama came into the picture. I am not saying I never want to come back to your house, all I am saying is that I want to rethink my schedule and my life altogether and just stay with mom for a while. You may not believe me but I doubt that you can legally force me to live with you. If you don't remember I wanted to stay with you more and used to always come stay with you on nights when I was with mom just to get a little extra time with you. I used to love going to your house because I used to really enjoy your company and we had a lot of fun together doing all kinds of things. Now, our household is really different than it used to be and I can't adjust to it.
So really dad, I wish you would just chill. There is no reason for you to freak out about me not coming to your house this week. Is it really causing you that many problems? The other week you told me I caused you a lot of stress so I would think a break would be good for you as well. I also wish you would leave my mom alone. You know that she has no control over this situation. You are making her really stressed out and sad about this situation and there's really no need for you to bring her into it. She has done nothing but encourage me to talk to you and/or go back to your house. I would like it if we could get together with you, without AnotherMama sometime so we could talk. If you would want to do that sometime then let me know.
I love you and I hope you will read this and tell me what you think.
love
your son
This is sad. Really sad. Because I really feel like he believes everything he is writing down. For one, I encourage my H and he to talk alone (all of the freakin time!!) The only time I enter the picture is if he (or anyone else) is being incredible disrespectful to anyone in our family and I call them on it. This is simply not allowed in our home.
Also- this kid calls my H and if he doesn't like what he hears (like a "no" for instance) then this kid goes irate! He hangs up on my H (again getting this trait from his mom, hence the reason we don't like to talk w/ her on the phone) and calls back and keeps on calling back no matter if my H is in a meeting or whatever, its about him and him alone.........And for him to suggest that my H does this is just absurd!!!!
And honestly, If I am part of the "problem" why then am I not to be part of the solution.???
You know why???? I'll tell you why.....because if he was to sit down with me, he knows that he can't say any of this to my face b/c it is untrue. The whole lot of it......
This kid wants to sit down and deal with this issue with his mom and dad and them alone???? How is this to help anything? They can not even get along....They don't see eye to eye on anything. He wants to be treated like an adult but yet he wants his mommy.......????
Damn it!
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