Dear Dad,
I have been trying to talk to you about this situation for quite a while now but it seems like we are not really being receptive of one another, so I have decided to write you an email. I hope you will read and consider what I wrote before you respond.
The first thing I would like to emphasize to you is that this whole issue is not about me trying to go stay with mom because she is "not as strict as you". I think that you truely believe that this is the only reason I have decided to stay with mom and no matter what I say or do, you will probably continue to believe this. I didn't disobey you and stay at mom's last weekend and this week because you wouldn't let me do anything on Friday last week, that was just the point where I decided I've had it with the way I'm treated when I am in your care. I understand that this wasn't the proper way to handle this situation and I also apologize for being rude to you that day.
I have thought about it for the past two weeks or so and I don't feel like it's healthy for me to stay at your house anymore. The main reason for this being AnotherMama's influence on you and the family and her role as a parent. I can't handle being told what to do by someone outside of my family, it just really bothers me. You have also changed a great deal in almost every way since AnotherMama moved into our house and have basically told me to just deal with it. I also can't have a conversation with you anymore without AnotherMama butting in and stating her opinion. For the longest time now, I have been trying to fight this and try to convince you of different things but I have realized now that this is pointless. I can't change you just as you can't change me. AnotherMama is your wife and you love her, and nobody is going to convince you that she is anything but perfect, and that's fine. I just don't really want to live with her anymore.
Another issue is this constant power struggle between me and you. You are ALWAYS trying to assert your role as the parent and my role as the child. The truth is that I'm not a child anymore and I'm tired of being treated as one. You have proved to me over and over that you actually care more about being in charge or right than you care about me or my wellbeing. Some examples of this are your constant hanging-up on me when I am trying to have a calm conversation with you and you get angry, especially last Friday night when you hung up on me, blocked my calls and never ONCE tried to call anyone and see if I was OK.
I also want you to know that I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I am not trying to say that you haven't been incredibly generous and nice to me in the past and even in the last few months. But honestly, you are just really hard to get along with. I wish I could get along with you, but every interaction we have just makes me sad that we can't have a good relationship like we once did, before AnotherMama came into the picture. I am not saying I never want to come back to your house, all I am saying is that I want to rethink my schedule and my life altogether and just stay with mom for a while. You may not believe me but I doubt that you can legally force me to live with you. If you don't remember I wanted to stay with you more and used to always come stay with you on nights when I was with mom just to get a little extra time with you. I used to love going to your house because I used to really enjoy your company and we had a lot of fun together doing all kinds of things. Now, our household is really different than it used to be and I can't adjust to it.
So really dad, I wish you would just chill. There is no reason for you to freak out about me not coming to your house this week. Is it really causing you that many problems? The other week you told me I caused you a lot of stress so I would think a break would be good for you as well. I also wish you would leave my mom alone. You know that she has no control over this situation. You are making her really stressed out and sad about this situation and there's really no need for you to bring her into it. She has done nothing but encourage me to talk to you and/or go back to your house. I would like it if we could get together with you, without AnotherMama sometime so we could talk. If you would want to do that sometime then let me know.
I love you and I hope you will read this and tell me what you think.
love
your son
This is sad. Really sad. Because I really feel like he believes everything he is writing down. For one, I encourage my H and he to talk alone (all of the freakin time!!) The only time I enter the picture is if he (or anyone else) is being incredible disrespectful to anyone in our family and I call them on it. This is simply not allowed in our home.
Also- this kid calls my H and if he doesn't like what he hears (like a "no" for instance) then this kid goes irate! He hangs up on my H (again getting this trait from his mom, hence the reason we don't like to talk w/ her on the phone) and calls back and keeps on calling back no matter if my H is in a meeting or whatever, its about him and him alone.........And for him to suggest that my H does this is just absurd!!!!
And honestly, If I am part of the "problem" why then am I not to be part of the solution.???
You know why???? I'll tell you why.....because if he was to sit down with me, he knows that he can't say any of this to my face b/c it is untrue. The whole lot of it......
This kid wants to sit down and deal with this issue with his mom and dad and them alone???? How is this to help anything? They can not even get along....They don't see eye to eye on anything. He wants to be treated like an adult but yet he wants his mommy.......????
Damn it!
April 29, 2008
This is a hard one....and any/all advice is welcome.
I have been swamped with home and work life, that finding the time to write has been more than difficult. With the hectic schedule I can barely take the time to read me favorite step-mom blogs. When I am not able to do these very key things in me life, it makes for one unhappy stepmom in our home. I miss me fellow steps. But all will get better.
Last week when I mentioned the oldest was being "a little Shite"- I just want to clarify my meaning and the reasoning behind that. (Keep in mind he is 16 1/2 and a sophomore in HS.)
1. He missed the bus four times out of five times. Causing us to change our very hectic schedule to transport him to school.
2. He came home an hour late past curfew, twice. (If it was up to me there would have been no second time)
3. After throwing a fit (b/c he missed the bus again)-He called his father a "jerk". When he did this, I simply turned to my H and asked if he had given him his allowance already for the week? He said "no". I then looked at my Step-son and said "you, just lost your allowance for the week".
This is when he lunged at me, screaming "Your not my mother, this is none of your business!!!!!"
I yelled back"I am not your Mother, but I am the Mother in this HOUSE!" (I finally said what everyone has been telling me to say.....Ha)
4. He got into several agreements with his father about "plans for the week". (he has a tendency to not let up- he gets this trait from his mother)
5. He was told that he had to go to school one day when he stated he did not feel well. He refused. (all the while staying home and sleeping all day.)
6. And then to top it off, he lied to his father. Then Friday, after school he calls his father to ask him if he can do something with his friends, and his father says "no", "you need to come home" He calls his Father an "asshole", hangs up on him, and is not heard from again for the rest of the evening. Later we heard that he stayed at his mom's for the rest of the weekend(this was last week, about 10 days ago), But in reality he stayed with his friends....
He has not been back to the house and refuses to come to his dad's for a while. (Did I mention that there were concerts that he wanted to got to this week (his dad's week), concerts that his mom will let him go to.)
Anyway, my husband has tried talking to him on the phone, my step-son's attitude is completely unapologetic. My Husband tried to set up times for them to meet to talk f2f on friday evening or Saturday morning. S-son refused both times b/c he had prior engagements (friends and sleeping).
On Sunday, the Ex was to bring all of the kids to our home on Sunday evening, she only brought the younger two.....She states that "the oldest just wants to spend a little bit more time with her this week" (even though it's my H's week and that he is not in agreement with this) But the funniest part about this is that Step-son was at his friend's house all day Saturday and on Sunday when she brought the other two home. He actually spent the night w/ his friend again on Sunday......Yep, a school night...... Yep, on his father's time........ (I too would rather stay somewhere with no consequences for my actions and get to do whatever it is I wanted)
So Step-son writes my H an email and his mom sends it to us. My H told me that he received the email (he had not read it yet). I knew what was coming.......I already knew everything this email was going to say. I have dreaded it from the moment I married my Husband. But it was inevitable................................... I told my H what the email said (without reading it). AND I WAS RIGHT ON!!!! "Since you married her, you've changed....she's changed you and I can no longer live with you......." See, I was the world's best manipulator b/w my parents and their divorce. I knew all too well what cards to play and when to play them. I knew when to bluff, and when to hold my ground. I knew all to well how to play my step-parents against my parents and vice versa.
I get it. I truly understand it. I know why he is saying what he is saying more than he does......... The hard part though, is not taking this shit personally. One minute I'm fine, the other, not so fine....
Last week when I mentioned the oldest was being "a little Shite"- I just want to clarify my meaning and the reasoning behind that. (Keep in mind he is 16 1/2 and a sophomore in HS.)
1. He missed the bus four times out of five times. Causing us to change our very hectic schedule to transport him to school.
2. He came home an hour late past curfew, twice. (If it was up to me there would have been no second time)
3. After throwing a fit (b/c he missed the bus again)-He called his father a "jerk". When he did this, I simply turned to my H and asked if he had given him his allowance already for the week? He said "no". I then looked at my Step-son and said "you, just lost your allowance for the week".
This is when he lunged at me, screaming "Your not my mother, this is none of your business!!!!!"
I yelled back"I am not your Mother, but I am the Mother in this HOUSE!" (I finally said what everyone has been telling me to say.....Ha)
4. He got into several agreements with his father about "plans for the week". (he has a tendency to not let up- he gets this trait from his mother)
5. He was told that he had to go to school one day when he stated he did not feel well. He refused. (all the while staying home and sleeping all day.)
6. And then to top it off, he lied to his father. Then Friday, after school he calls his father to ask him if he can do something with his friends, and his father says "no", "you need to come home" He calls his Father an "asshole", hangs up on him, and is not heard from again for the rest of the evening. Later we heard that he stayed at his mom's for the rest of the weekend(this was last week, about 10 days ago), But in reality he stayed with his friends....
He has not been back to the house and refuses to come to his dad's for a while. (Did I mention that there were concerts that he wanted to got to this week (his dad's week), concerts that his mom will let him go to.)
Anyway, my husband has tried talking to him on the phone, my step-son's attitude is completely unapologetic. My Husband tried to set up times for them to meet to talk f2f on friday evening or Saturday morning. S-son refused both times b/c he had prior engagements (friends and sleeping).
On Sunday, the Ex was to bring all of the kids to our home on Sunday evening, she only brought the younger two.....She states that "the oldest just wants to spend a little bit more time with her this week" (even though it's my H's week and that he is not in agreement with this) But the funniest part about this is that Step-son was at his friend's house all day Saturday and on Sunday when she brought the other two home. He actually spent the night w/ his friend again on Sunday......Yep, a school night...... Yep, on his father's time........ (I too would rather stay somewhere with no consequences for my actions and get to do whatever it is I wanted)
So Step-son writes my H an email and his mom sends it to us. My H told me that he received the email (he had not read it yet). I knew what was coming.......I already knew everything this email was going to say. I have dreaded it from the moment I married my Husband. But it was inevitable................................... I told my H what the email said (without reading it). AND I WAS RIGHT ON!!!! "Since you married her, you've changed....she's changed you and I can no longer live with you......." See, I was the world's best manipulator b/w my parents and their divorce. I knew all too well what cards to play and when to play them. I knew when to bluff, and when to hold my ground. I knew all to well how to play my step-parents against my parents and vice versa.
I get it. I truly understand it. I know why he is saying what he is saying more than he does......... The hard part though, is not taking this shit personally. One minute I'm fine, the other, not so fine....
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