Can I just tell you.....

That I went to my in-laws to help clean their home last night (they're expecting company this weekend) We usually get together with them every other Thursday night (when we don't have the kids). It is kind-of like a double date. We have dinner mostly at our home, then we either play a game or watch a movie.

So, they invited us to have dinner with them last night!! Which was great. But my H's father always gets international foods for us to munch on while we are cooking. Now- this is not bad thing, I love doing this but last night was a big mistake. BIG MISTAKE, I tell you.

We had Pate. I asked him what kind of pate? He said he didn't know.
Then I say "Seriously, what kind is it?"
In his French accent my FIL says-"I tell you I do not know!" "Fine," I say, "I'll try it."

OMG!!!! Quickly I spit it out, and then I have a Flashback to a young age, where I remember having violent involuntary gagging reflexes due to the liver in my mouth!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All the while, They are asking, "Do you like it?" "Don't you like it?"

Liver is bad.............................. Very bad indeed.
I don't like liver.

CALLING ALL MY PEEPS

The Power of Kindness by Piero Ferrucci

PEOPLE- Find this book. Buy this book. Read this book................and then Read it again.

The preface of this book is written by his holiness The Dalai Lama. And it is wonderful.

The first chapter is Honesty

At first it seems that telling the truth is more uncomfortable and difficult than telling a lie. And it is just this conviction that leads us to lie in order to hide our weaknesses and avoid giving explanations or getting into trouble--out of laziness or perhaps out of fear. Yet it
is falsehood that in the long run is more difficult and complicates our life.

I find this to be so true. The more that goes unsaid and ignored between people (especially family members) is in the long run much more difficult and painful to the family as a whole.

Here is the best example of this I can offer.

When my Husband got married to his first wife at age 19, they both liked to party quite a bit in college. My husband ended up cheating on his bride of six months, twice. He admitted it to her, she left him, he went to rehab, she came back and they lived together for the next 11 years. Within these years she never let him forget it and he remained sober.
Now the way she has written it to the public- and what she has told her friends, is that he cheated through-out the 13 years they were together. This is/was simply not the case.

This talk of my Husband- has led to several of the children's friends parents to shy away from my Husband, and some of the parents(one of the kids very best friends) even to this day they will not let their children come over to our home.
And you know the kids have heard rumors and their friends talk, and their friend's parents talk and so on....

Over Christmas break my s-daughter, asked her friend if she could come over to our home. She said no, (again) I asked to speak to her mother, and offered for us to meet for coffee so she could get to know us a little bit better (in order to feel more comfortable). She didn't have time and hurried off the phone. (these kids have known each other 3/4 of their lives)
OK- we thought, We're not going to force it. So we talked with SD about her friend and her friend's parents. She talked a little about the situation and said the parents just believed "all talk."?

The next night I spoke with my H about the fact it was time to talk to all the kids (especially SD) about what really happened when he was married to their mother. He had never addressed it with them. It has never been talked about between them.

But trust me when I say- "The kids have already thought about it. They are not going to come to the adults to inquire about the doubts they have regarding their parents. But it needs to be addressed. The sooner the better. Life is just to damn short. It is going to hurt like hell. And then it will heal."

That night my H and I agreed that we needed to talk with SD about the rumors. The next night, we sat her down and told her we wanted to talk with her about somethings. She said, "Oh, I'm fine, It doesn't bother me. I'm used to it." "I don't care".

But this did not stop us. We continued to talk. Everybody was uncomfortable.
My Husband was having a hard time finding the words. I didn't want to interrupt, and she was just staring at us. I helped my Husband with the time line. He found the words. He told her his side of the story. And he told her that he had in fact cheated on her mother right after they first got married. How he went to rehab. How she left. How they worked it out. And that he never cheated on her ever again. And how he has been sober for 17 years since. Then he preceded to talk about how they came to be divorced. She was still starring but now she was holding back the tears.

She just started crying (this child never cries). He went over to her and held her. I asked her what she was thinking? She said that she can remember a time when just my H took her and her brothers to North Carolina. And they were being horrible for the whole three day trip (she laughed while crying). So horrible in fact, Husband brought them back from the trip early. (still laughing) Then she says (while bursting out in tears) "all I can remember is that you brought us back, and a few weeks later you were leaving. I thought it was because we were sooo bad." (Now I am crying as I write this)

He held her and comforted her. He told her it was not her fault. That he loved her more than anything. He did not want to leave. And that he was sorry. Held her tighter. She cried more.

He cried. She cried. And the healing has begun. and I am still crying........

Their bond has never been more strong.

Damn I love my family. We are doing ok.

Lovin this new site!!

I need to give a shout out to my girl Starshine30 who invited me on the site of Posh Mama
It is a site for women and about women. Mainly moms. All different types of moms. I must say that I am diggin' it. And it is incredibly refreshing. The following words come to mind when describing these women. Hip, educated, friendly, strong, em-powering, warm and witty, and those are only a few descriptions when speaking about these women.

Go check them out! They will not disappoint and they will welcome you with open arms. The whole lot of 'em.

To clear a few things.

Let me first reiterate our "family" email address.
"_our last name__"family@gmail.com
The only eyes that can open this account or see these emails are my Husband and myself.
No one else. Not the children. Not Ma and Pa.
We receive school info, field trip info, sports activitiy info, schedule changes info, scout info, lesson info, doctor appt. info, ex-wife info and anything else regarding the kids info. This is to insure that we communicate as effectively as possible. I am human. So is my Husband. We forget a lot of things. This is to insure that we get all information. And when we send ex-wife email, we co-copy her H on it to insure he also gets all the information.

Do we care if anyone agrees? DO we care if anyone gets this? Or do we care if anyone likes it or hates it? NO, NO and NO.

It is for us to communicate.

If one parent writes something with a strong conviction (in an email) about what the children are doing or not doing- You better bet that if the parents were still together, the other parent would make sure that the children knew that conviction of the other parent. TO insure everyone was on the same page. Thus- no high expectations- just the truth. Now If she wants to say something to my Husband, and she does not want the kids to hear it or read it then she needs to specify. Because this is how she plays everyone against each other- Everyone hears a different story- And no one knows the truth.

This is not what we are trying to teach the kids. It is not to "boost" positions. It is to do the opposite.
If she is just venting she needs to do that with her Husband and not mine. After all they are not friends, by any means. But she sure does like to act as if they are.

We do not play the manipulation game with the kids. We tell them the truth, that is it.

I too think it is important to have ways of communication that both parties are comfortable.
We (him especially) do not want to communicate by phone for a couple of reasons- btw- these are all facts...
it is not documented, she is not nice, she hangs up on us (and the kids sometimes) if she doesn't like what we are saying, she rarely answers her phone when we do call, she asks the same questions over and over, and she just likes to talk to my Husband.

Now,why she does not want to email...
She states everyone reads the email she sends and that it is not private- this is not true (it is private only my Husband and myself read it)
She does not like it that I am involved, or that I read the emails.

She has not emailed us. Only one phone call (she left a message) My H has emailed her to tell her important things but nothing back from her. It is quiet and wonderful.

Holidays, Are the first few years always a disappointment dad's??

The Holidays were always a disappointment when spending it at my dad's and my step-mom's.
It didn't matter if it was Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even my birthday, I still ended up being sad.

Sad because the basket didn't look right, (like my mom made at home), the presents were wrapped differently, (not like my mom would have done), the tree didn't have the "right' ornaments, (not like the Xmas tree we had at my mom's) the gifts were wrong, (because only my mom knew what I really wanted.)

What I really wanted were those very few years that I could remember my Mom, Dad, brother and I together for any of the holidays. Those memories and those memories alone. But growing up in blended family you tend to want to blame someone or something for not being able to have those long lost memories again. It is not the fact that you are growing up. It is not the fact that things are changing. Nothing has changed except for the divorce and the remarriages. SO it must be "the new family stuff" or "the step-mom" or "the step-dad".

My step-mom tried to make our holidays as memorable and as nice for us. She wanted us to be happy. She wanted us to have a good, happy memory. She tried. My dad tried too but she came closer to a "mom's touch". But it still wasn't good enough.

I guess that is all we want. We want the kids to feel and be happy.

The past few years the kids have spent Easter with us. Including Thanksgiving, Christmas and most of their birthdays. They have been grateful for the gifts and they have enjoyed themselves. But there is this little pang of disappointment that I can tell in each of them that tells me they would rather have their mother doing these things. And so do I. I would rather this too, because I know what it feels like. It could be the prettiest, coolest most awesome thing on the planet but only one can have the true mom's touch and when it isn't- well......... it's just not the same.

When we did our first couple of holidays together, I asked my Husband to tell me exactly what their mom did, where she would put things? How would she wrap it? What kinds of dishes did she do? What kind of baskets did she use? How much she would use? All the questions I asked. I was trying to prevent my own Step-kids from feeling that pang that I knew all so well. But nothing helps it. It just is what it is.

So now while I try to do whatever has almost always stayed the same, I still just let the rest of it go. They are going to feel what they feel regardless of what I do (or don't do). I do not take it personally. It is not personal.
Believe me, They will appreciate it much more down the road.

I know I do. I am so thankful of all that my Step-mom did and still continues to do all of those things to this day. She makes me feel so at home and so loved. (She even turns down my bed for me when I come home! This I love.)

Back from Spring Break!!

Yes. It was a much needed vacation by all. (the oldest decided to stay here in town with his M instead of going to the beach with the rest of us)

I have to say that we have been on many road trips with the kids (and sometimes their friends come along) and this is by far the most pleasant of the trips. The kids were great! They did not fight a lot like they usually do-Nor did they "try" and rush us like they normally like to do- Quite impressed and still amazed.

On the way back we told them how blown away we were at their behavior. And that they had impressed us so much that we may try and work really hard over the next few months to throw another trip in our spring/summer plans for the much appreciated pleasant time had by all. I also bragged about them to their Ma and Pa yesterday after church. They really respond well to positive feedback, they get a little taller and hold their heads a little higher. It makes for a happier home when all good things are noticed and verbalized.