The youngest has had adjustment difficulties in this past year. The different transitions that have happened over this last year have caused his emotion capacity to capsize. His mom and new husband moved them into a new home, his father and myself have moved into our new home, and his mother just had a baby a few months ago. Mucho changes for a boy- not to mention the regular ins and outs of fourth grade.
He has had some awful outbursts, mainly when he has come from his mother's home to ours. (but never at his mother's) Or when we follow through with a punishment that he has gotten or when there is homework to be done and we stand our ground. (the normal stuff) But his outbursts have been anything but normal. They are painful, harmful and intense. Scary stuff to have seen this boy in so much pain. There was definitely more there then what he was showing us.
What I saw was a young boy who was thinking that his actions were speaking louder than his words. (to his mom) I think that if his mom knew he loved coming over to our home (or that he was ok) that this meant (to her) that he loved us better than her. So in order for him to show how much he loved her and how loyal he was to her, He had to act as though he hated it over here.
(How could he come over here willing???Especially when he knows she does not care for me. She didn't even acknowledge me for the first year I was in their lives, So how can he willingly be open to the idea of me.
He has really come such a long way in such a short time. We have come such a long way.
He has been with us for almost two weeks and is truly happy. He is not calling her and telling her how much he hates it over here, come to think of it I don't think he has talked with her very much at all. But I remind him to call her at least every other day. He is not throwing a fit to do his homework. He knows what to expect and he is just doing it. It is truly amazing. And we are truly blessed.
Glad to see that this is getting easier for him.
February 23, 2008
February 22, 2008
Still amazed
That we have not received any more emails from her. It has never been this quiet. It is almost a scary quiet.
But I will have to say it is nice. Peaceful. Calm. A lovely nice quiet that has not been heard before. Seriously, never before has it evah been this way.
Calm before the storm????? Hope not. Don't think I have the energy. We have had the kids for almost two weeks. And I am tired.
But I will have to say it is nice. Peaceful. Calm. A lovely nice quiet that has not been heard before. Seriously, never before has it evah been this way.
Calm before the storm????? Hope not. Don't think I have the energy. We have had the kids for almost two weeks. And I am tired.
Just looked at the quote of the day- Ha!
Quote of the day for Friday-
"Common sense is not that common"
Ha!
"Common sense is not that common"
Ha!
Reoccuring Friends
Soon, one of my best friends is moving back to Miami (she is originally from Venezuela). During the last couple of years Maria and I have become very close, almost like sisters. She has this extremely friendly personality. One that is contagious!
She has a Latin accent and can speak Spanish, Portuguese, and her English is spoken quite well. Maria amazes me as a person because she has such a positive attitude on things. It doesn't matter what is going on- She will always point out the positive in any given situation. One thing she does that amazes me is that she a great listener. She will want to know what has been going on with whomever she is talking to and she remembers everything. Most people want to talk about themselves, and believe me she does her share :) but she has this genuine caring that you do not often find in most people.
I know we look for certain characteristics when picking out new friends or when we seek to talk with the old ones. Certain characteristics that are reoccurring with in our friends, a theme if you will.
Most of the reoccurring themes that my friends possess.........
Life of the party- which some of them are either out there still doing it or have found themselves in a little club called AA.
Love for Family- theirs, mine and ours
Striving to live by the golden rule- but aren't we all besides the Ex's
Insane amount of common sense- besides the AA club members, they were a little lacking in this area
Very touchy- no, not that way! They are just always hugging or patting someone on the back.
Huge Spiritual side- knew their had to be a connection between themselves and God, and no not in a grandiose manic way, either.
Competative- a love for games, and how they should be played.
Most can speak more than one language- nope, not really sure why most of my friends can do this and why I can't.
Nosey- want to know everything going on, with you and yours.
Crazy about Estate/Garage sales- me too!
Can forgive easily- this is my favorite.
Healthy- they work-out and eat right.
Since being married and being a part-stay-at-home-stepmom, I have not nurtured the relationships with my other friends as I should have. And do miss all of the above characteristics they each possess. I am looking forward to this next chapter in my life. One of balancing more people into it. I will miss Maria, and she won't be that far away?!
You are the company you keep! Right!
What themes do your friends have? DO tell, Do tell.
She has a Latin accent and can speak Spanish, Portuguese, and her English is spoken quite well. Maria amazes me as a person because she has such a positive attitude on things. It doesn't matter what is going on- She will always point out the positive in any given situation. One thing she does that amazes me is that she a great listener. She will want to know what has been going on with whomever she is talking to and she remembers everything. Most people want to talk about themselves, and believe me she does her share :) but she has this genuine caring that you do not often find in most people.
I know we look for certain characteristics when picking out new friends or when we seek to talk with the old ones. Certain characteristics that are reoccurring with in our friends, a theme if you will.
Most of the reoccurring themes that my friends possess.........
Life of the party- which some of them are either out there still doing it or have found themselves in a little club called AA.
Love for Family- theirs, mine and ours
Striving to live by the golden rule- but aren't we all besides the Ex's
Insane amount of common sense- besides the AA club members, they were a little lacking in this area
Very touchy- no, not that way! They are just always hugging or patting someone on the back.
Huge Spiritual side- knew their had to be a connection between themselves and God, and no not in a grandiose manic way, either.
Competative- a love for games, and how they should be played.
Most can speak more than one language- nope, not really sure why most of my friends can do this and why I can't.
Nosey- want to know everything going on, with you and yours.
Crazy about Estate/Garage sales- me too!
Can forgive easily- this is my favorite.
Healthy- they work-out and eat right.
Since being married and being a part-stay-at-home-stepmom, I have not nurtured the relationships with my other friends as I should have. And do miss all of the above characteristics they each possess. I am looking forward to this next chapter in my life. One of balancing more people into it. I will miss Maria, and she won't be that far away?!
You are the company you keep! Right!
What themes do your friends have? DO tell, Do tell.
February 20, 2008
It is good to be.
(Now I know as soon as I write this there will probably be an email from the ex- but I am going to go ahead and say it anyway!)
I am in awe. Yes, awe. As in to be beside one's self. To be at peace. To be inspired. To be content.
Why? B/C a couple of months ago I told my husband that he really needed to put up a HUGE, CLEAR boundary for the ex to see! And if he didn't, I was going too!!!
The issue was how many emails and calls he was getting from her. She was emailing everyday. Sometimes two or three times, most of the time five to seven times but on a crazy day it was up in the twenties. And here is the thing- it didn't matter if we had the kids or not. Most of the things she was writing or calling about were not that important.
This woman (although remarried a man 13 years her junior, three weeks before our wedding)was still wanting to keep whatever relationship she could with my Husband!
No F#*@ing way!
She would email him and ask him ridiculous questions. Most he would not even respond to. And she would ask him not to show me any of the emails between them? Yes, WTF is up with that I do not know! Her thinking that her needs as the children's mother were more important than his wife's is the kind of insane thinking I am dealing with.
And Yes it was driving me mad. So we talked about what we were going to do. We came up with a plan. Big hat tips for the girls at www.steptalk.org for some great ideas!! We made a family email account! (this maybe ole' school for some of you faster ones out there but it took us forever to figure this one out) He would ask her not to email him on his work account. That she was to only email him on the family account. It was very difficult for her to change at first, but she does it like clockwork now. And she hates it that I can read everything she writes. I was reading everything she was writing before this change, but she didn't know it.
This makes me feel great!
Mainly because feel the recognition I deserve as as my Husband's Wife. Not a second wife. But the first wife. I have not been married before even though he has. So I do feel like I am second.
Anyway I am in awe because we have received about four emails in the last ten days!!!
So I am just inspired to be. And the silence is wonderful!!!!!!!!!
I am in awe. Yes, awe. As in to be beside one's self. To be at peace. To be inspired. To be content.
Why? B/C a couple of months ago I told my husband that he really needed to put up a HUGE, CLEAR boundary for the ex to see! And if he didn't, I was going too!!!
The issue was how many emails and calls he was getting from her. She was emailing everyday. Sometimes two or three times, most of the time five to seven times but on a crazy day it was up in the twenties. And here is the thing- it didn't matter if we had the kids or not. Most of the things she was writing or calling about were not that important.
This woman (although remarried a man 13 years her junior, three weeks before our wedding)was still wanting to keep whatever relationship she could with my Husband!
No F#*@ing way!
She would email him and ask him ridiculous questions. Most he would not even respond to. And she would ask him not to show me any of the emails between them? Yes, WTF is up with that I do not know! Her thinking that her needs as the children's mother were more important than his wife's is the kind of insane thinking I am dealing with.
And Yes it was driving me mad. So we talked about what we were going to do. We came up with a plan. Big hat tips for the girls at www.steptalk.org for some great ideas!! We made a family email account! (this maybe ole' school for some of you faster ones out there but it took us forever to figure this one out) He would ask her not to email him on his work account. That she was to only email him on the family account. It was very difficult for her to change at first, but she does it like clockwork now. And she hates it that I can read everything she writes. I was reading everything she was writing before this change, but she didn't know it.
This makes me feel great!
Mainly because feel the recognition I deserve as as my Husband's Wife. Not a second wife. But the first wife. I have not been married before even though he has. So I do feel like I am second.
Anyway I am in awe because we have received about four emails in the last ten days!!!
So I am just inspired to be. And the silence is wonderful!!!!!!!!!
February 19, 2008
Valentine's continued........and the flame went out.
On Thursday the Ex emails. I love this because she can email me when she wants to tell me something but I can not email her. Only my Husband can. And she says communication is important! This Ladies and Gentlemen is funny stuff!!!!!!!!!!!
She writes that she can not pick up the youngest and take him to his therapy appt. It is important he go every week like like clock work. He is seeing a new counselor and these first visits are crucial.
And I am thinking to myself????? Why in the Hell not?
You'll be at the school for the party, Why not just take him afterwards?????
I offer and tell her that I will pick him up to take him, she says ok. I call my H and ask him if by any chance he can do it, and he can't (Now keep in mind I am getting four people packed for a trip leaving in five hours, two dogs squared away, one off to gymnastics, and four Valentine's deliveries to be made.) So what the hell, add on one more thing to do, it is not going to kill me right? I was going to continue to be wonder-woman for the rest of the day.
I pick him up and he is in a great mood! He had his Valentine's bag with him and he was showing me everything he got at the party. Then he says, "Why are you picking me up?" I said "Mom emailed me and said that she could not take you to your appt. She asked me if I could take you. And here I am!"
"Tell me, How was the party? good. Did you like the cookies? yes. Did you give mom a bag?" No.
NO? He tells me. He did not give her a bag. Did he forget? Did she not want them? Why did he not give her a bag of the kick-ass cookies!!!!
He tells me that she was not at the party. She did not even go to the party.
He did not seem upset, and I could tell that he wasn't.
So here I am taking him to his third therapy appt. Just me and him. I asked him if he wanted to go in by himself or if he wanted me to go in with him. He said he wanted me to go in with him.
It was a great session! But I know she is going to have issues about me going in with him.
I suppose I will hear about that later.
She writes that she can not pick up the youngest and take him to his therapy appt. It is important he go every week like like clock work. He is seeing a new counselor and these first visits are crucial.
And I am thinking to myself????? Why in the Hell not?
You'll be at the school for the party, Why not just take him afterwards?????
I offer and tell her that I will pick him up to take him, she says ok. I call my H and ask him if by any chance he can do it, and he can't (Now keep in mind I am getting four people packed for a trip leaving in five hours, two dogs squared away, one off to gymnastics, and four Valentine's deliveries to be made.) So what the hell, add on one more thing to do, it is not going to kill me right? I was going to continue to be wonder-woman for the rest of the day.
I pick him up and he is in a great mood! He had his Valentine's bag with him and he was showing me everything he got at the party. Then he says, "Why are you picking me up?" I said "Mom emailed me and said that she could not take you to your appt. She asked me if I could take you. And here I am!"
"Tell me, How was the party? good. Did you like the cookies? yes. Did you give mom a bag?" No.
NO? He tells me. He did not give her a bag. Did he forget? Did she not want them? Why did he not give her a bag of the kick-ass cookies!!!!
He tells me that she was not at the party. She did not even go to the party.
He did not seem upset, and I could tell that he wasn't.
So here I am taking him to his third therapy appt. Just me and him. I asked him if he wanted to go in by himself or if he wanted me to go in with him. He said he wanted me to go in with him.
It was a great session! But I know she is going to have issues about me going in with him.
I suppose I will hear about that later.
I know you all know..............But
The reason I do not use our names or where we live are kinda obvious, right?
Well for those of you that are slightly slower than the rest of us........... It is because I want to be respectful to my step-kids. The last thing they need is their business plastered all over creation. This is a place for me to come and vent to other people whom find themselves in similar situations. I want to listen to what others are doing in similar situations so that I may learn to be better at all this step-stuff. Also I want to help my fellow step-sistas. Hopefully I have a few ideas or words for someone who is in need of them.
I would like to keep on writing, and incognito is the only way to go! And this is just one of those things you do not go around talking about because the kids can and will get hurt.
And no I do not want to make up any names for the family members. Not feeling that creative about e'ole blog.
Well for those of you that are slightly slower than the rest of us........... It is because I want to be respectful to my step-kids. The last thing they need is their business plastered all over creation. This is a place for me to come and vent to other people whom find themselves in similar situations. I want to listen to what others are doing in similar situations so that I may learn to be better at all this step-stuff. Also I want to help my fellow step-sistas. Hopefully I have a few ideas or words for someone who is in need of them.
I would like to keep on writing, and incognito is the only way to go! And this is just one of those things you do not go around talking about because the kids can and will get hurt.
And no I do not want to make up any names for the family members. Not feeling that creative about e'ole blog.
Who am I?
I am not an expert on anything, and I don't try to pretend that I am. Especially when it comes to raising kids- I have extremely strong feelings about how children of divorced families are treated, and how those children of are integrated into their new blended families. That is all nothing more. Just my opinions, and mine alone.
As soon as I got out of college (long-term plan) I worked for a non-profit agency in my home town. Even though I am not a licensed Social Worker, I did the same things as many of the other social workers. In the beginning my concentration was on Mental Illness within the family. I performed family therapy with several families (yes I was supervised). Then I did some therapy with troubled teens (mostly males) who had problems with their home lives and addiction issues. And I also led a group of girls weekly who would share their horror stories of the child abuse they endured. This was absolutely heart-wrenching.
After about six years I couldn't do it anymore! I had to change something. So I went into Sales, and still to this day that is where I be- Lov'in the business side of things.
A few years down the road I have come back from the big city. And brought the business with me. Now I try to balance being a part- stay at home step-mom and a ever-so suave business animal. **Remember the word try is very important in the above sentence** We are working on progress here not perfection!!!!!!!!!!!!
As soon as I got out of college (long-term plan) I worked for a non-profit agency in my home town. Even though I am not a licensed Social Worker, I did the same things as many of the other social workers. In the beginning my concentration was on Mental Illness within the family. I performed family therapy with several families (yes I was supervised). Then I did some therapy with troubled teens (mostly males) who had problems with their home lives and addiction issues. And I also led a group of girls weekly who would share their horror stories of the child abuse they endured. This was absolutely heart-wrenching.
After about six years I couldn't do it anymore! I had to change something. So I went into Sales, and still to this day that is where I be- Lov'in the business side of things.
A few years down the road I have come back from the big city. And brought the business with me. Now I try to balance being a part- stay at home step-mom and a ever-so suave business animal. **Remember the word try is very important in the above sentence** We are working on progress here not perfection!!!!!!!!!!!!
February 18, 2008
Making myself available.
At this given time my mother and I are estranged. It has been this way for about the last seven months. This has been a common occurrence within our relationship.
The first time I remember her cutting off our relationship I was about 13. It lasted for nine months. It was the longest time she went without speaking to me. The reason.... let us just say that her brother had not been very nice to me.
The second time? I don't recall. All I remember is that her expectations were never satisfied. And I would continue to fail miserably at meeting her expectations for the next twenty something years.
If she were here to tell her side of the story, I am sure she would tell you of all of the horrible things I did to her over the years. Mainly having to do with my step-mother, whom she despised. She hated her. No reason but the obvious. Another woman married to the man she was still in love with. Another woman telling her children what to do. Another woman loving on her children. Another woman making her children laugh..........all when she was not there.
Last Thursday about an hour before I was to leave to go out of town with my husband and kids, I got a call from the emergency room. It was a nurse telling me that my step-father had been in a car accident. He was hurt pretty bad. And this is the only number I have, the nurse said. I told her that I would call everyone I could, and be there in about 20 minutes.
I tried to call my mom, several times and I got no answer. I left a message telling her to give me a call ASAP. I got to the hospital and soon after, she arrived.
He was in stable condition and they said that he would need surgery in a few days. But in the meantime his body would need to rest. She hardly spoke to me, which I expected........ so, I offered to do what I could (which was refused.) And just stood behind her for the first few hours. I was there to show her that no matter what, I was her daughter and I would still come to her if she needed me.
She is looked wonderful. I had forgotten how beautiful she is. I had really wished she would have pulled me to her, so I could smell her. But she didn't. I am hoping maybe next time.
God works in mysterious ways, right?
The first time I remember her cutting off our relationship I was about 13. It lasted for nine months. It was the longest time she went without speaking to me. The reason.... let us just say that her brother had not been very nice to me.
The second time? I don't recall. All I remember is that her expectations were never satisfied. And I would continue to fail miserably at meeting her expectations for the next twenty something years.
If she were here to tell her side of the story, I am sure she would tell you of all of the horrible things I did to her over the years. Mainly having to do with my step-mother, whom she despised. She hated her. No reason but the obvious. Another woman married to the man she was still in love with. Another woman telling her children what to do. Another woman loving on her children. Another woman making her children laugh..........all when she was not there.
Last Thursday about an hour before I was to leave to go out of town with my husband and kids, I got a call from the emergency room. It was a nurse telling me that my step-father had been in a car accident. He was hurt pretty bad. And this is the only number I have, the nurse said. I told her that I would call everyone I could, and be there in about 20 minutes.
I tried to call my mom, several times and I got no answer. I left a message telling her to give me a call ASAP. I got to the hospital and soon after, she arrived.
He was in stable condition and they said that he would need surgery in a few days. But in the meantime his body would need to rest. She hardly spoke to me, which I expected........ so, I offered to do what I could (which was refused.) And just stood behind her for the first few hours. I was there to show her that no matter what, I was her daughter and I would still come to her if she needed me.
She is looked wonderful. I had forgotten how beautiful she is. I had really wished she would have pulled me to her, so I could smell her. But she didn't. I am hoping maybe next time.
God works in mysterious ways, right?
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