To let everyone know- "It" is officially here and "it" has officially started!!!
You guys know what "it" is? Right! Right?????
Well if you don't know- don't get too excited because this it's not a good thing by any means...
"It" is what I like to call the time when a 12 - 13 year old girl is questioning your(stepmom) judgment non-stop and when that said girl thinks she is on just your (adult) level and starts treating you as such.
I knew it was coming.... I have been dreading it. I thought it was here last month but she has been going back and forth with her attitude. And she didn't seem as consistent with her stance. But now she has officially started struggling with her place in our family, and the place I have in her father's life. This is simply enough to endure but throw in there that her Mom doesn't like me. Along with the fact she is also struggling with the question of who to emulate herself after and of course she should pick her mom, (but in that she still holds the conflicting view that if she picks her mom to identify with) then she feels as though she will not be liked by us (b/c we don't get along with mom so well.)
For you moms out there, How in the hell do we explain this to our husbands????
I can't go through everything she does, how she says it. I do try my best but he is having a hard time seeing most of it (some, he does see). And I am having difficulty explaining it. But "IT" is there. And it is almost gone into a full blown all of the time sort of thing....
I am trying to listen to what she is trying to say when she is doing it but DAMN!!!
I did the same thing at the same age to my stepmom. The memorys are horrible. I hated her and I didn't respect her, and I was on my "mom's side". I understand her my Step-d. I get her when she is doing this. But it hurts. And it is emotionally and mentally draining.
So What have I done???? I have pulled back and I am sitting in silence with her. I don't ask her many questions about school and about her friends (like before) The conversations we have.... I answer her questions and I end it there. I respond with short answers and divert the conversation or leave the room. To not take this personally is above and beyond where I am right now. Although I am trying to stay calm and grounded, I am still frustrated. This past week was the first week in three years I can honestly say I dreaded the kids coming over. (this indeed is sad)
Is this right thing??? I HAVE NO IDEA. We"ll wait and see.
Any advice?
April 07, 2008
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6 comments:
Space, she needs space. Mine isn't a teenager YET....but it's coming and I'm preparing for it. Now I was a horrible teenager. I did'n't have stepparents but I was a nightmare to my parents. They put up with a lot from me. Saying that I know that I wanted my independence, BUT, I wanted to know they were there. That's all I thought I needed. Don't stop being a parent or asking questions. Parents that don't ask show that they don't care. I know you care, so keep it up. Asking questions keeps kids accountable for their actions. And they know this. They may roll their eyes and they may kick and scream. But remember, as my one favorites used to tell my mom (which I just found out recently when I discussed this issue with my mom, because I have concerns about the next few years with my stepdaughter) If your kids don't hate you when they are teenagers, you're not doing your job.:)I may have more thoughts later on this topic but I have to run to the bank.
You need a weekend away is what you need.
Join us for the Stepmom Weekend Getaway in Austin, TX... you know where that is:)
August 8-11. Details at stepmothersmilk.com
Hope you can make it.
IR
For you moms out there, How in the hell do we explain this to our husbands????
My suggestion is that you post "it" here in as much detail as your mind will allow and then let him (US!) read about it.
I'm very curious to know how "it" manifests itself so that I can look for it down the road.
Cinderella is 11, so "it" is coming for me too - I am sure I am also not prepared.
I appreciate starshine30's comment b/c it reminds me of the fact that ALL teenagers question authority - be it parents, stepparents, teachers, etc. They all "hate" their parents for some reasom or aother.
I hope I remember that when my time comes. It's a right of passage - for her, for you. And a phase you will both have to endure but you will get through it. She will act like she hates you (she doesn't), like she resents your questions (she may). But when she is older, she will look back and realize how much better her world is because you are in it.
Distance can be interpreted as indifference. I've seen that firsthand in our own home. And it ain't pretty.
Hang tough. I am curious to see how this plays out for you all.
I know I was very argumentative (I know-tough to believe, right?) with me stepdad when I was a teen. He is only 13 years older than me. But I remember that he always united with my mom and he was very consistant with his actions.
With the memory of this, I can see now how important and difficult this was for him then. Now we are great friends. He is a dad to me. (Yes I am still very close to my dad but I love having both of them!)
My point is... First and foremost you have to be her parent. It might be much easier to try to be her buddy since her dad and mom are in the picture to take those roles. But she needs to understand that you are a parent and deserve that level of respect whether she calls you MOM or whatever. You are still her parent. Be consistant with what you say. Take care to show her how mature women behave so that she has at least one good example (based on what you've said about BM). She may butt head with you now but she will respect you later. You don't have to interigate her on her day. Maybe try something else. At our house, we have a Best/Worse discussion. "What was the best part of your day? Worst?" We usually do it during dinner and everyone gets a turn. Many times I'll ask a similar type thing right before drop off. "What was your favorite part of our time this week?" You can make it your own, but it's an idea, anyway.
Good Luck! It isn't going to be easy... but you'll be fine.
I remember when I was that that age and I did the same thing to my step-mom... She was amzing, no mater what I did or said to her she still let me know how much she loved me and how she would be there for me no matter what I ever did or said to her...
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