Nothing yet.


And I must say...... I am pissed.


Step-son has been at our home for four days now and not one comment from his dad, or from him about the email. They have talked some here and there I'm not even sure what about??? But I have left them alone to talk amongst themselves and you know what is different??? Nothing!!! Is what's different! I always let them have their time to talk and do their own thing without interference from moi.

But again I say, -Damn it!!!!! This Fucking pisses me off to no end!!!!!
Is everyone going to act as if this email doesn't need to be addressed? Well I can tell you if anyone else was having their character actively assassinated, they would want to speak up against the injustice being brought to themselves. Right, wouldn't most people?

Anyway I am trying not to take it too personal. But there is just a little enlightenment that needs to be shed upon this young man, If he truly believes what he has written.

And yes, he does write very "adult like". He is highly intelligent but he does get to hear his mama talk about her opinions - and that is where we think he transcribes most of this "parenting- role" differences. (almost verbatim)

The email.........

Dear Dad,

I have been trying to talk to you about this situation for quite a while now but it seems like we are not really being receptive of one another, so I have decided to write you an email. I hope you will read and consider what I wrote before you respond.
The first thing I would like to emphasize to you is that this whole issue is not about me trying to go stay with mom because she is "not as strict as you". I think that you truely believe that this is the only reason I have decided to stay with mom and no matter what I say or do, you will probably continue to believe this. I didn't disobey you and stay at mom's last weekend and this week because you wouldn't let me do anything on Friday last week, that was just the point where I decided I've had it with the way I'm treated when I am in your care. I understand that this wasn't the proper way to handle this situation and I also apologize for being rude to you that day.
I have thought about it for the past two weeks or so and I don't feel like it's healthy for me to stay at your house anymore. The main reason for this being AnotherMama's influence on you and the family and her role as a parent. I can't handle being told what to do by someone outside of my family, it just really bothers me. You have also changed a great deal in almost every way since AnotherMama moved into our house and have basically told me to just deal with it. I also can't have a conversation with you anymore without AnotherMama butting in and stating her opinion. For the longest time now, I have been trying to fight this and try to convince you of different things but I have realized now that this is pointless. I can't change you just as you can't change me. AnotherMama is your wife and you love her, and nobody is going to convince you that she is anything but perfect, and that's fine. I just don't really want to live with her anymore.
Another issue is this constant power struggle between me and you. You are ALWAYS trying to assert your role as the parent and my role as the child. The truth is that I'm not a child anymore and I'm tired of being treated as one. You have proved to me over and over that you actually care more about being in charge or right than you care about me or my wellbeing. Some examples of this are your constant hanging-up on me when I am trying to have a calm conversation with you and you get angry, especially last Friday night when you hung up on me, blocked my calls and never ONCE tried to call anyone and see if I was OK.
I also want you to know that I appreciate everything that you have done for me. I am not trying to say that you haven't been incredibly generous and nice to me in the past and even in the last few months. But honestly, you are just really hard to get along with. I wish I could get along with you, but every interaction we have just makes me sad that we can't have a good relationship like we once did, before AnotherMama came into the picture. I am not saying I never want to come back to your house, all I am saying is that I want to rethink my schedule and my life altogether and just stay with mom for a while. You may not believe me but I doubt that you can legally force me to live with you. If you don't remember I wanted to stay with you more and used to always come stay with you on nights when I was with mom just to get a little extra time with you. I used to love going to your house because I used to really enjoy your company and we had a lot of fun together doing all kinds of things. Now, our household is really different than it used to be and I can't adjust to it.
So really dad, I wish you would just chill. There is no reason for you to freak out about me not coming to your house this week. Is it really causing you that many problems? The other week you told me I caused you a lot of stress so I would think a break would be good for you as well. I also wish you would leave my mom alone. You know that she has no control over this situation. You are making her really stressed out and sad about this situation and there's really no need for you to bring her into it. She has done nothing but encourage me to talk to you and/or go back to your house. I would like it if we could get together with you, without AnotherMama sometime so we could talk. If you would want to do that sometime then let me know.
I love you and I hope you will read this and tell me what you think.

love
your son


This is sad. Really sad. Because I really feel like he believes everything he is writing down. For one, I encourage my H and he to talk alone (all of the freakin time!!) The only time I enter the picture is if he (or anyone else) is being incredible disrespectful to anyone in our family and I call them on it. This is simply not allowed in our home.
Also- this kid calls my H and if he doesn't like what he hears (like a "no" for instance) then this kid goes irate! He hangs up on my H (again getting this trait from his mom, hence the reason we don't like to talk w/ her on the phone) and calls back and keeps on calling back no matter if my H is in a meeting or whatever, its about him and him alone.........And for him to suggest that my H does this is just absurd!!!!
And honestly, If I am part of the "problem" why then am I not to be part of the solution.???
You know why???? I'll tell you why.....because if he was to sit down with me, he knows that he can't say any of this to my face b/c it is untrue. The whole lot of it......
This kid wants to sit down and deal with this issue with his mom and dad and them alone???? How is this to help anything? They can not even get along....They don't see eye to eye on anything. He wants to be treated like an adult but yet he wants his mommy.......????













Damn it!

This is a hard one....and any/all advice is welcome.

I have been swamped with home and work life, that finding the time to write has been more than difficult. With the hectic schedule I can barely take the time to read me favorite step-mom blogs. When I am not able to do these very key things in me life, it makes for one unhappy stepmom in our home. I miss me fellow steps. But all will get better.

Last week when I mentioned the oldest was being "a little Shite"- I just want to clarify my meaning and the reasoning behind that. (Keep in mind he is 16 1/2 and a sophomore in HS.)

1. He missed the bus four times out of five times. Causing us to change our very hectic schedule to transport him to school.

2. He came home an hour late past curfew, twice. (If it was up to me there would have been no second time)

3. After throwing a fit (b/c he missed the bus again)-He called his father a "jerk". When he did this, I simply turned to my H and asked if he had given him his allowance already for the week? He said "no". I then looked at my Step-son and said "you, just lost your allowance for the week".
This is when he lunged at me, screaming "Your not my mother, this is none of your business!!!!!"
I yelled back"I am not your Mother, but I am the Mother in this HOUSE!" (I finally said what everyone has been telling me to say.....Ha)

4. He got into several agreements with his father about "plans for the week". (he has a tendency to not let up- he gets this trait from his mother)

5. He was told that he had to go to school one day when he stated he did not feel well. He refused. (all the while staying home and sleeping all day.)

6. And then to top it off, he lied to his father. Then Friday, after school he calls his father to ask him if he can do something with his friends, and his father says "no", "you need to come home" He calls his Father an "asshole", hangs up on him, and is not heard from again for the rest of the evening. Later we heard that he stayed at his mom's for the rest of the weekend(this was last week, about 10 days ago), But in reality he stayed with his friends....

He has not been back to the house and refuses to come to his dad's for a while. (Did I mention that there were concerts that he wanted to got to this week (his dad's week), concerts that his mom will let him go to.)

Anyway, my husband has tried talking to him on the phone, my step-son's attitude is completely unapologetic. My Husband tried to set up times for them to meet to talk f2f on friday evening or Saturday morning. S-son refused both times b/c he had prior engagements (friends and sleeping).

On Sunday, the Ex was to bring all of the kids to our home on Sunday evening, she only brought the younger two.....She states that "the oldest just wants to spend a little bit more time with her this week" (even though it's my H's week and that he is not in agreement with this) But the funniest part about this is that Step-son was at his friend's house all day Saturday and on Sunday when she brought the other two home. He actually spent the night w/ his friend again on Sunday......Yep, a school night...... Yep, on his father's time........ (I too would rather stay somewhere with no consequences for my actions and get to do whatever it is I wanted)

So Step-son writes my H an email and his mom sends it to us. My H told me that he received the email (he had not read it yet). I knew what was coming.......I already knew everything this email was going to say. I have dreaded it from the moment I married my Husband. But it was inevitable................................... I told my H what the email said (without reading it). AND I WAS RIGHT ON!!!! "Since you married her, you've changed....she's changed you and I can no longer live with you......." See, I was the world's best manipulator b/w my parents and their divorce. I knew all too well what cards to play and when to play them. I knew when to bluff, and when to hold my ground. I knew all to well how to play my step-parents against my parents and vice versa.

I get it. I truly understand it. I know why he is saying what he is saying more than he does......... The hard part though, is not taking this shit personally. One minute I'm fine, the other, not so fine....

Updates on the kids.

The youngest is doing great! He is pursuing his baseball like a mad man. He is aggressive, polite, motivated, intrigued, and he knows how to rally his team. He is getting his homework done on time and doesn't put up a fight with us about doing it. Of course this is only on our weeks. Not sure why his not getting it done at his mom's??? Anyway- we are driving to and from practices and games (45 mins. each way) at least four times a week. He is working SO very hard and it is exciting to see him find more of himself in this sport.

He is adapting to home life much better than he was a year ago. He accepts responsibility for his actions more than he once did. He accepts that he will have to go back into his room to clean again (b/c he didn't do it as well as he could've the first time). He accepts this while we're laughing b/c he knows better. I guess I am amazed that he is adapting to this life so well. It is extremely hard to be accepting of all of the changes divorce and remarriage brings to a child no matter what the time line. But damn this kid.....He tries....He really tries.....(or maybe we've had a great few weeks) Well whatever the reason, he is really amazing and I love him very much. I especially love the way he smells :)

The middle child, she is doing OK. "It" hasn't been out in a while. Although I thought he may have appeared this last week but he never did. She is currently pursuing all of her sports- jumper lessons with a pony, gymnastics, acting and now two new ones have arisen......soccer and running! I am a little concerned b/c we can only do so much. She will have to make a decision about two and choose to follow others at a later date. My main concern is that she is picking a majority of these due to what is "cool" while around her friends and not deciding what she really wants to do. I am hoping that she will have some revelations about herself in the next few up and coming months.

She seems to be handling all of the rules a little better. She really never has a problem with them it's just that she "half-asses" everything! So that she has to be asked to do it again and again and then this is where the conflict arises. We are taking some preventative measures in not allowing it to lead to a conflict area........so far so good.

And then we have the oldest- He is being a little Shit! This last week he missed the bus four times... He said he was sick on Tuesday (he didn't seem like it in the least) H told him, "sorry but you still have to go anyway", he refused. He called my H a "jerk". He came home thirty minutes past curfew (on Thursday). After missing the bus on Friday morning and then lying about it, he was asked to come home right after school. He called my H an "asshole" and then didn't come home. Later he called and said he was staying w/ his mom? He did not come home for the rest of the weekend and he said he stayed with his mom (where he precedes to go where-ever he wants to, when-ever he wants too.) We found out later that he had stayed w/ friends w/ mom's permission. Last night he calls my H to tell him he is really stressed out b/c they are not getting along, and that he wants to stay at M's for a few weeks (oh did I tell you that he has a few concerts that he really wants to go to on our times- that he knows he wont get to go too if he stays with us.) My H told him that that was not alright. He told him he needed to come over when he was scheduled too. Period.
Oh to have consequences.

(This is my favorite part).......Oh did I tell you we bought him a car(older style BMW $2500) a few months ago? He is not able to drive it yet b/c he has not finished driver's ed. And b/c he doesn't have insurance. But the agreement we made with him was that if he stayed out of trouble and maintained good grades it was his. Well he doesn't know this yet but we are selling it!!!!! He will never get to drive it. Not with the attitude he is dishing out!! And the phone that we have provided for him?????? Yeah, we're getting that turned off. He is on his own in regards to these privileges now.

So this is how the kids are.....Me and the Hubby and the dealings w/ the ex....more on that later.

"It" has been taking a break.

My S-D's constant challenging of me and my authorit-tie (which is what I like to refer to as "It") has decided to take a break for a while.
How long will "It" be gone?? If I only knew........ I feel like I could be more prepared when It comes or when It show it's self. But that is not the case. I just need to remember to 'not take it personally (right?) and to continue to show and tell her how much I love her. (the not taking it personally is the hardest thing for me to do, but at least I'm aware of it).

On a good note- she really surprised me.

Yesterday, I picked her and her younger brother up from school and then took her to the dentist. My H met us there and her Mom was already there when we arrived. She was to have three teeth pulled. She was quite nervous b/c she was getting an IV and being put under for the first time. (Of course their mom didn't acknowledge me even though she was just four feet away from me. This made the kids uncomfortable. I hate for them to feel that way . But I still spoke to her. This made the kids less tense)

Anyway her mom told her that she would take her to her house that night and take the next day off to care for her. And that if she did not go with her that her other choice would be to stay home w/ me because Dad couldn't stay home from work. It is our week to have her but me and the hubby decided that if they wanted to- it would be fine. I work from home so the other alternative is to have her stay home with me. - S-D said, "no, I want to go back to Dad's" Her mom could not believe her ears...... Her mom said, "but sweety, Dad won't be home tomorrow either?, that means you would have to stay with AnotherMama?" S-D says back to her mom, "that's ok, that's what I want to do." (now I can't believe my ears, Holy shite!)

So her mom continues to tell her that really it is no problem for her to take off from work. And SD stands her ground. No joke, this happened for about five or six times or more. I could tell she was getting very uncomfortable. And I felt bad for her mom b/c she knew that I could hear her. This was not an easy thing to do. I am truly blown away.

I felt a sense of pride that I had been recognized. That I was recognized because I too, do a lot of "taking care of" for this child. Even if it was by the child herself. These are my interpretations. They're probably dead on wrong but oh well.....

But what she probably was thinking was that she would also get to watch a little MTV and E on the telly. And this is ok still. Because this still told her mother a very important step-parent thing. "Another Mama is not bad. She is not you. And I love you. But she cares about me and takes very good care of me too when I am with her. I am ok when I am with her."

But unfortunately her mom probably heard something different. Which is not the case at all.

THIS IS AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

To let everyone know- "It" is officially here and "it" has officially started!!!

You guys know what "it" is? Right! Right?????



Well if you don't know- don't get too excited because this it's not a good thing by any means...
"It" is what I like to call the time when a 12 - 13 year old girl is questioning your(stepmom) judgment non-stop and when that said girl thinks she is on just your (adult) level and starts treating you as such.
I knew it was coming.... I have been dreading it. I thought it was here last month but she has been going back and forth with her attitude. And she didn't seem as consistent with her stance. But now she has officially started struggling with her place in our family, and the place I have in her father's life. This is simply enough to endure but throw in there that her Mom doesn't like me. Along with the fact she is also struggling with the question of who to emulate herself after and of course she should pick her mom, (but in that she still holds the conflicting view that if she picks her mom to identify with) then she feels as though she will not be liked by us (b/c we don't get along with mom so well.)

For you moms out there, How in the hell do we explain this to our husbands????

I can't go through everything she does, how she says it. I do try my best but he is having a hard time seeing most of it (some, he does see). And I am having difficulty explaining it. But "IT" is there. And it is almost gone into a full blown all of the time sort of thing....

I am trying to listen to what she is trying to say when she is doing it but DAMN!!!

I did the same thing at the same age to my stepmom. The memorys are horrible. I hated her and I didn't respect her, and I was on my "mom's side". I understand her my Step-d. I get her when she is doing this. But it hurts. And it is emotionally and mentally draining.

So What have I done???? I have pulled back and I am sitting in silence with her. I don't ask her many questions about school and about her friends (like before) The conversations we have.... I answer her questions and I end it there. I respond with short answers and divert the conversation or leave the room. To not take this personally is above and beyond where I am right now. Although I am trying to stay calm and grounded, I am still frustrated. This past week was the first week in three years I can honestly say I dreaded the kids coming over. (this indeed is sad)

Is this right thing??? I HAVE NO IDEA. We"ll wait and see.

Any advice?

WoW! What a week.....

We have gone to baseball practices/games, riding lessons, guitar lessons, gymnastics, boy scouts, appts w/ counselors, talent shows, birthdays, Dr's appts, and a had all sorts of friends come and go.......Needless to say it was quite the busy week!!!!! It was a good week had by all. It was tiresome but well worth it. And to especially to see the effort everyone is putting in is amazing..... We work well together (now watch next week fall apart after I just said that) I love my family. And I love our home.